I consulted a number of security professionals including Charles Brown and his close associate Lucy to answer some very concerning security issues that occur every Thanksgiving.

  1. A thorough background check of your turkey or ham is essential. Knowing who they are, what farm they came from, and if they participate in e-verify is crucial to your family enjoying a stress free holiday.
  2. When you take your place on the couch to watch football and you are wedged between bloated uncles, aunts, and friends, make certain you have an evacuation plan to decouch to get to the only bathroom on the first floor so as not have to walk thru someone’s bedroom to use that bathroom. Not good.
  3. If you are seated next to a person who never has anywhere to go on Thanksgiving and is invited out of sheer pity, just nod, smile, and eat. Say nothing.
  4. Explain to your overzealous father-in-law, who treats his home as third world dictatorship with never ending seating plans and theater timing meal courses that there may be violence if you are not allowed to sit in front of his 72” flat panel to watch the football game. This is what is known as Violence Avoidance.
  5. Who made the greenish brown stuff on the edge of the table in the white corning ware dish? You must know this. It is crucial to personal safety.
  6. A criminal background check must be performed on the individual with the 12” serrated blade salivating with a Charles Manson like grin as he cuts into an already dead bird.
  7. Do not sit next to that person with the blade and if you must; watch for problematic behavior.
  8. Here is a major safety rule of thumb; if you do not want to sit next to them, don’t kiss them. A sturdy handshake is fine.
  9. If you are invited to a friend or family members home for Thanksgiving, that is very nice. But you must ask questions via Skype, not cell phone. You must watch facial expressions and body language. Behavioral analysis interviews are crucial to making certain the sausage stuffing, Italian cold cut platter, deep baked mac ‘n’ cheese, and both chocolate and pecan pie are on the menu. If they are lying you will see it in their face immediately. The food items you want must be on the menu and lying is frowned upon.
  10. To avoid a stampede after 9 hours of hellacious eating, dull talk, aromas you are not comfortable with, and multiple stomach issues; leave at half time of the second football game. If you live relatively close you can make it home in time without stopping at the nearest Exxon and begging for the key.

Thank you and Happy Thanksgiving